Healing my heart
by Dathtato
Summary: Clarke is found by the bounty hunters the ice queen sent first and taken to the Ice Nation. Follows what happens to both her and Lexa after that event.


Lexa had been chewing the inside of her lip so much these past few weeks that the taste of copper had become familiar. She was Heda so she could never relieve some of her nervous energy publically as she couldn't afford to appear weak, thus the only thing she could do was chew the inside of her lip. And with the last few weeks, ever since they had heard the Azgeda queen had hired bounty hunters to bring her Clarke, she had an endless amount. She had sent a large mass, not enough to attract attention, to find and retrieve her love. Yes, her love. Lexa may have left her to face the mountain alone, a choice she simultaneously regrets and doesn't, but she was still in love with the blonde. Clarke may not be anymore, or even so angry she won't allow herself to be, but Lexa is and the thought of losing the one thing that brings her happiness is more than she can bare. If Clarke moved onto to the next world, Lexa knows she would willingly follow just to beg forgiveness once more. She had been so wrong when she had said love is weakness.

"Heda." One of her warriors, one of the twelve sent to fetch Clarke, came in respectfully. Never mind he looked nearly dead, bleeding profusely and exhausted from a three day journey.

"What news is there?" She scowled. She needed to show confidence in this moment even when her insides felt like presenting themselves.

"We were to late Heda. They had already found her." Her warrior went on to explain the whole ordeal but she had stopped listening. The Azgeda had Clarke. Clarke being hunted because of what happened at the mountain, how she became Wanheda and how anyone who killed her would take her powers. Now Lexa could do nothing, she had no reason to send her army into Ice Nation territory until Nia committed a crime. Unfortunately that crime would be murdering Clarke. Lexa couldn't save the woman she loved until it was too late. Within the week Nia would probably have Clarke's head delivered to her and then attack. Lexa resigned herself to it and vowed to kill Nia herself.

When no head of the woman she loved came to her Lexa feared even more. Maybe Nia was torturing Clarke first. But no that didn't seem likely. Nia was a fool, anyone could see that, but she wasn't fool enough to keep someone that was called Wanheda alive and risk what may come. Maybe she had underestimated Nia, maybe Nia wanted to give her loves head in person and see the flurry of emotions that overtook Lexa but Lexa wouldn't grant her that. Instead she would grant that wretched woman a sword to the stomach before she gave herself the same. Her fight would be over and maybe for all she had done for her people she would be allowed to be with Clarke in the next life.

It had been nine months from the day Clarke had banished herself and three from the day Nia had captured Clarke. The first month Lexa had waited, preparing her army for the coming attack or to attack the Ice Nation. She had resigned herself to the sadness of her dead love, one who she couldn't be sure was but knew had to be, until a strange report had filtered in with the rest. Nia was pulling her armies back and rearranging them. This had confused her at the time, there was no strategic advantage it gave. In fact it would make it easier to defeat the Azgeda, so Lexa had determined it had to be a trap. Except it wasn't. She had lost a handful of villages that day along with hundreds in her army. Then Nia did it again but Lexa was determined not to lose this battle so they rode out to face the army but there wasn't one. Instead they found bombs buried beneath the ground and she lost more soldiers this time. Anya along with them, her body in pieces.

So it continued into the second month, Nia doing odd things with her army, almost seeming to know what Lexa's response would be each time. Nia was playing with her mind or so Heda believed until she read another report one of her scouts had sent. It was from one of Indra's, the same Indra currently preparing Polis for war, and stated in large disbelieving letters that Wanheda was seen walking alongside the Ice Queen. Speaking and looking serious but as free as any other. Lexa had almost laughed at the absurdity but she remembered the attacks. How they had been there almost in a way that they knew of Lexa's actions before she did. How for months Nia could not even have one successful raiding party but then was suddenly winning each battle, whittling Lexa's army down each time until now by the third month she had pulled all her people back into Polis, only having a few hundred warriors to defend the citizens.

Now here she stood in her throne room as the battles outside and also below raged. She could hear screams of agony and cries of war mixed with triumphant cheering from everywhere every time someone fell. The closest of them being right outside her doors. All the sounds died for a second before the doors burst open and in strolled Nia looking every bit as smug as Lexa had imagined she had the day she captured Clarke.

"Heda! Surrender yourself and I will make the end quick. Your army is in ruins, your people nearly all dead and none alive who wish you any life." Nia spoke as she circled the commander.

"No. I made a vow to kill you the day Clarke died and I will see it done." She still refused to believe Clarke could be alive and even more adamantly denied to herself Clarke would help Nia kill her and her people.

"Nia! I told you I would only help if I was allowed to kill her!" Both rulers head whipped to the enraged blonde at the door. Nia rolled her eyes and Lexa felt herself being stabbed in the heart, metaphorically obviously.

"Clarke I didn't think you would survive." Nia sounded very disappointed that Clarke did.

"Yes well your son and daughter lay dead for their betrayal."

"You bi-" Nia screamed before a gurgling sound was produced where a knife had lodged itself in her neck courtesy of Clarke.

The blonde sighed and Lexa remained frozen where she had been. It was true. Clarke had helped the Azgeda Queen to overthrow her, and what more it was apparently at the privilege of killing Lexa. Clarke wished her dead and allowed for countless others to die to achieve it, had killed countless others to ensure it.

"Cl-Clarke." She stuttered in whisper to the woman she loves.

"Lexa." The blonde replied in a voice baring only cold numbness.

"Lexa!" The blonde shouted angrily into the sky three months prior. She still hated the woman she had loved so much. Still loves so much. She was angry and heartbroken since the ordeal at the mountain. She could feel nothing except her own burning rage and hole in her heart. She wished she had never met the commander, never fallen for her, never even came to this hell she had once thought an Eden from their space hell. She had survived for six months so far alone and would for the rest of her life. Or so she thought up until a fist met her face.

When she woke up she was met with a large headache that seemed to only quench her inner pain for a second before being overpowered. She somehow manages to sit up, the restraints wrapping around her entire body barring any great movement except shuffling and the gag preventing any sound to escape her mouth. She finds herself at the back of a wagon, in front is a man that is steering the horses and humming to himself. His clothes look like that of the Azgeda and he has long dark hair. She glares at him with all her might, hoping for once that the legends of her were true and she could set him on fire with a look.

"Good morning Wanheda. It is merely another hour before we reach the Azgeda Palace." He says before turning to look at her. "My name is Roan, banished son of Nia, the Ice Queen. I am sorry for doing this but I hope she will lift my banishment if I bring you to her." Clarke can understand that even if it does mean she will die. His eyes quickly flicker down to her body before going back up with a regretful smile, "I also am sorry for using so many restraints but with the stories they tell of you, well… I thought it better to make sure escape would be impossible." She rolls her eyes at him and shuffles until her back is to him. She pointedly makes it clear she is ignoring him as he watches on and tries to speak to her.

At the Ice Palace, not actually made of ice unfortunately, she is carried by the restraints into the throne room where a woman that is quite clearly Roan's mother is sitting. The moronic, Clarke has decided this upon seeing her, woman smiles so smugly to herself, no doubt imagining she has won the war Wanheda had heard was brewing. She lies there and listens as Roan receives what he wants, listens to Nia order everyone else out of the room- they all leave quickly not wanting to risk Wanheda's wrath if she escapes- and listens to Nia entire maniacal rant before the idiots face appears before her. Suddenly the gag is out of her mouth and she is coughing.

"Are you even paying attention?"

"No." Clarke says with a glare before shuffling to turn her back on the woman.

"I can see why she liked you." The woman chuckles.

"Do not speak of her to me."

"Do not worry Wanheda, soon you will be dead and your powers will be mine."

This time it is Clarke's turns to laugh and she does so, hysterically. She laughs so hard and so long there are tears in her eyes. Nia looks grumpy to her, clearly not enjoying being the butt of a joke she doesn't understand. "I have no powers!" Clarke laughs out. "Kill me and nothing changes!" She can't stop herself from laughing even if there is nothing to laugh about.

"That is not true. You took down the mountain. People have seen it!" The queen looked to be angrier by the second. Adamantly refusing to believe the truth. Wanheda had to have powers that Nia could take otherwise she would never be able to win the war Clarke realises as she sobers up.

"Kill me!" That seems to shock the idiot queen. She had never had the strength to attempt it herself but maybe she could goad the fool to do it for her. At least it would take the constant burning rage and misery away.

"If it will do nothing then no. Holding you hostage will cause more vulnerability in Heda than what your death will. I will win this war. I will be the new Heda!" Clarke watched as the 'grown' woman stomped her foot on the floor like a petulant child. The sound not even having a resounding echo in this large chamber.

Clarke's head started spinning, spinning so much that an idea came to her. One brought on from memories of Bellamy, Charlotte and Wells, from what the Trikru had always said. It was rapidly forming and hopefully it would work. It needed to.

"Nia. Let me help you. I may not have powers but I am Wanheda for a reason. I can show you how to defeat her armies and become Heda." The woman whipped around from where she had been pacing to her throne.

"Why? What would you want enough to betray Lexa?" She seemed suspicious at best.

"The chance to kill her."

It had been two months since she had started helping Nia conquer Trikru lands. She had, even at first when there had been so much resistance to her plans, shown herself to be their greatest leader and strategist. More and more had she been cutting Nia out of the picture, not intentionally but it was obvious the woman had no idea what she was doing past fighting with a sword. She had also been eating and sleeping, really eating and sleeping, not the minimal amounts she allowed during her banishment but she supposed that was what came with purpose. That and the return of some more primal desires. At least Roan and Ontari were more useful than their mother. Once again she proved she had no idea what she was doing. Clarke looked to the map in front of her, with what she was planning they would be at Polis by the end of the month. And maybe it would work. Hopefully it would.

A month later she was with the Ice Queen, her two children and a guard who just fell dead in front on them, dead from a final stab from Indra, who herself lay bleeding out. That was when it happened, Nia ran ahead and left Ontari and Roan to kill her, at least they had the decency to seem conflicted for a second. Their mistake because she used that time to kill Ontari where she stood and the light in her eyes went out before Clarke even removed her sword.

"I wish I did not have to do this, especially not with someone who has shared my bed." He truly seemed to care for her or was starting to.

"You meant nothing. Just a way to satisfy an urge." She spoke in a monotone voice she registered had been with her since the mountain, inescapable in its nature. A small flash of hurt passed over him before anger took over and he swung wildly at her. She kept her head about her and stabbed him through a kidney when he left his flank open. Dropping to the floor he howled in pain which she immediately silenced with her own blade. Walking over to Indra she crouched beside the woman who once upon a time she had been befriending.

"Why?" Was growled out with an accompanying glare.

"I have to try Indra. Rest now, your fight is over." She silenced whatever reply would come and closed the woman's eyes.

Clarke ran to the throne room to see Nia circling Lexa, no doubt Lexa would easily kill Nia but that honour now belonged to Clarke. Clarke spoke briefly with Nia before killing her by throwing a knife. Bitch deserved it. Lexa was watching her, obviously shocked by the turn of events.

"Cl-Clarke." She stuttered in whisper to the woman she loves.

"Lexa." The blonde replied in a voice baring only cold numbness. "I'm sorry about this Lexa." She moved forward dropping her sword. "I needed to do something to rid myself of my rage," Clarke hugged the love of her life, "my sorrow," she felt Lexa sink into the hug and relished it for a bit, "the hole you left in my heart. I can't continue to live with it. It's too much." She was crying now, hysterically.

"I'm so sorry, I wished I could have spared you the suffering." Clarke knew Lexa meant it but that the events would always remain the same no matter what happened.

"I know. I love you so much Lexa." She said into the hug. "But you were right. Love is weakness." She plunged the knife she was holding into the Heda's back. The woman in her arms dropped to the floor. "And I need to get rid of my weakness if I ever want to feel whole again. Blood must have blood." She silenced the last thing she loved on earth before it could cause her anymore pain.

Hours later, Clarke was sitting on the throne. Looking at her loves body which was circled by a pool of black blood. No one was left alive in the city, the screams and fires having died during the battle. It hadn't worked, months of fighting, killing, living up to the Wanheda name to rid herself of these horrid emotions and feel something, anything, even slightly more positive had failed. All that had changed was that now she only felt numb. She looked up at the sound of shoes scuffing on the floor in their haste.

In ran Bellamy, Abby, Marcus, Octavia and a few others with some guards from the various clans. All too late to do anything. Everyone looked on in horror and she could see in their eyes they knew it was all her.

"Clarke? What did you do?" Bellamy asked with a tone somewhere between horror and shock.

"What I had too." What she had too and what failed. She was done. No more. She rose and walked to the balcony, the others still too shocked to follow. The wind whipped slightly but she paid it no attention. She climbed up on the banister and leaned forward. Leaned until the gravity of Earth took her with its unrelenting force.


End file.
